Confessions of a Brutally Honest Girl
Sometimes the truth hurts more than you care to admit, and
sometimes, even though you know that honesty is supposed to be the best policy,
you still can’t stand the thought of saying what you really want to say out loud. I am like that. The thing is, I am a writer, so things are
easy for me to put down on paper, but I have a really hard time saying them out
loud. When my dad and I had problems, I
knew what I wanted to say, but I was afraid that my honesty wouldn’t be
appreciated. In movies and TV shows,
it’s easy for them to say what they mean and mean what they say- but in the
real world of consequences, we can’t always come right out with what we really
want to say. At this point in my life, I have ended up having some pretty heavy
conversations that were things that needed to happen, but things that I wished
I could have scripted so I wouldn’t fly off the handle… The problem with people
is that they DON’T LISTEN! They quibble
over terminology- they take what you say too literally, they pounce on the
tiniest thing you said and make a mountain out of a molehill.
When I feel like I’m being attacked, I act like I’m under
attack. I am defensive. And I detest feeling stupid because I am a
highly intelligent, very well read girl- a woman actually (I guess once you
have hit 25, and are now closer to freaking 30 {ew} and you get grey hairs and
have as many medical issues as I have, you can call yourself a woman)… I hate
it when people are condescending! I
loathe that more than pretty much anything.
I have always been someone who, even though I AM smart, I don’t have
conventional knowledge. I am really far
behind in a lot of areas, and sometimes I feel like when everyone else my age
was born, they were given an owner’s manual, or some kind of For Dummies
reference book- so they know what they’re supposed to do and when. I feel like mine never got to me so I had to
search until I managed to find some outdated, dog-eared copy that’s missing the
most important pages-which means that I STILL don’t know what I’m supposed to
know, and I wasted all that time searching for help.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t ask for help. One reason is because I feel like since
everyone else is so far ahead of me, that I will just be taking up their time
and that to them, I’m not worth the hassle.
Another reason is that a lot of the time, I know that I SHOULD know the
answer, but I feel stupid and insecure because I don’t. Many times, when I have asked a question like
that, all I have gotten is, “Everybody already knows that! Where have you
been?!” Or, “You’re stupid.”
Now, I know that there IS a such thing as a stupid
question. For instance, I work customer
service for a Pizzeria and I swear this question irks me more than anything
else because not only is it the dumbest question; but there’s no good way to
answer it because I’ll sound sarcastic… The question is, “What is Meat Sauce?”
I mean, if you asked, “What kind of meat is in the meat
sauce?” that’s a decent question… Although regular ground beef is normal for
meat sauce, I guess SOME people use ground turkey or ground chicken or
something… but “What is meat sauce?” is a stupid question. I fight the urge to say, “Sauce with meat in
it.” A stupid question deserves a stupid answer… But I usually say, “It’s
spaghetti sauce with ground beef in it.”
But whatever… Sometimes, you have to be patient with
people. Sometimes, they merely don’t
know what to ask to get the info they want.
I’m kind of weird when it comes to asking questions- I don’t actually
have A.D.D. or A.D.H.D. or Autism, but sometimes I freeze when I go to ask
questions, or when I’m put on the spot.
It’s like my brain is a record player (dating myself here) and there’s a
scratch in the vinyl so it just keeps skipping.
Or like when you’re watching a VHS tape (dating myself again) and the
tape is bad, so the player spits it out… I can’t get my mouth to work. I panic.
The weird thing is that I can sing in front of 100 people, give
speeches, do comedy in front of a large crowd, write stories for random
strangers on the internet to read, but when I have to ask questions that I feel
will make me look stupid, sound petty, or look bad- I freeze. And when someone catches me off-guard with
some kind of verbal attack, I get defensive and I tense up when they don’t even
TRY to hear my side. I take the abuse which leaves me feeling sad, depressed,
and angry. And that anger turns to quiet
rage- one with whoever said it, and another with myself for not being able to
speak my mind. Sometimes, it takes me a
while to get to my point, and I know that people are impatient and too involved
with their own lives to give you the time of day. But when that happens ALL THE TIME, you feel
unheard and insignificant and when you shove your feelings under the rug all
the time, you have all this unresolved pain and anger festering…
For the most part, I am an honest person. Probably I am
most guilty of lies of omission (not always on purpose, and sometimes, I
just don’t need to light that fuse to get people mad at me for no good reason
when it’s something that’s MY problem)- I am also guilty of saying I’m fine
when I’m SO not! Like right now, I am
more fine than I HAVE been recently, but I’m not fine! Not by a long-shot. I’m 27 and I just lost my grandpa in August
to pancreatic cancer, and my great grandma to old age in October- she died when
I was in the hospital with wounds and vasculitis (I don’t know how it’s
spelled, honestly, but if you don’t know what that is- it’s where your blood
vessels get irritated by something and they “Bleed” out, seeping through your
skin in the form of FIRST- an itchy, bumpy rash, SECOND- Painful, itching
blisters that in my case made it so every step I took pained me so much that I
thought, If I died, I would feel so much
better!) Anyway, I basically went right from the hospital, home for a day
and then we had the lay-out and funeral.
I was on Percocet because I was in so much pain. It was worse because
the funeral ended up falling on my sister’s BD which totally sucked for her, so
she was extra cranky- which put another crimp or two in an already lousy
day. Plus, I was very unwell, so people
were watching me every second which made me really uncomfortable. This whole year has SUCKED. Period. The past
three years have sucked… if I’m totally honest.
I have a job, but I can only get so many hours at it, and they don’t
offer healthcare, and I can’t afford to BUY insurance, so with all this medical
crap, I have bills stacking up that I can’t pay and won’t be able to pay on top
of my student loan for schooling that I never completed because I HATE
school-that I can’t pay either… I have to often rely on the generosity of
people, which makes me feel horrible.
But at least, I got into the financial aid program of the hospital
system I’m in, and I have a bunch of doctors and nurses who are helping me
despite my inability to pay. I tell you,
if I ever get a bunch of money, I would want to pay off some bills and donate
to the places that have helped me.
Pretty much, since the end of last year, my group of friends
has had a few fault lines and we’re not as close as we used to be which bugs
the crap out of me because I know I invested a lot of time and effort into
making friends (it’s hard for me), and getting them all to be friends. One of
my friends is like a brother to me, and he had a longstanding crush on my
sister’s best friend- and eventually asked her out. The thing is that since they were a part of
this large group of friends that were all my sister and I’s friends first, we
feared that if they got together, they would either get in a couple bubble and
forget about the rest of us *(which is what happened), or they would have some
horrid break up and we would be forced to take sides, thus breaking our group
apart (that kind of happened- but not because the COUPLE broke up {they’re
still together}, but because my sister and her best friend aren’t really best
friends anymore, and our ‘brother’ isn’t acting like our brother)… It was one
of those things that happens SO commonly that I almost feel cliché getting mad
about it, but it hurts nonetheless.
There’s that expression, “Bros before ho’s” (which isn’t very nice
considering that the female is being likened to someone who sells their body
for money…)or “Sisters before misters” It shouldn’t matter IF you’re dating
someone, your FRIENDS should still be important to you, especially when you AND
the person you’re dating have the SAME friends.
When the whole group gets together, you’re not on a DATE, I’m sorry, so
don’t ACT like you ARE! The thing that
peeves me is that they both did it. HE
should have known better because 1. We knew him first 2. He’s always been our
“brother” we never had, and even though we’re not really related- not blood-
there’s the expression, “Blood is thicker than water” that applies to family,
and he kinda dissed us by going about things the way he did. And 3. Because he
kinda broke a promise- not to forget about us.
The worst part is that a relationship that once was solid is
now quick sand, and the other one is like a festering wound. The part that gets me is that everyone
involved was so freaking CARELESS with their relationships to each other. And even when they were informed of the
problems, they didn’t do anything to help it- or they didn’t do near
enough. In some cases, they just didn’t
go about it the right way. I am probably
the least flaky person you’ll ever meet.
I hate flakiness! I had “friends”
like that in school when I was young- they were your friend when you brought in
chocolate chip cookies for your BD that your mom made- but every other day,
they treated you like you were either invisible, or like you had some disease…
Honestly, I feel that people in general have become rude and selfish. And I was brought up to “Do unto others as you
would have them do unto you”. In
general, my family seems a lot different than any other family I have ever
met. Sure, we have our problems, but
we’re very loving and generous with each other.
And we invite people into our lives and home. We introduce our friends to each other, and
we try REALLY hard to put our all into what we do. We are very GIVING people. But why is it always US who throws the
parties? Why doesn’t anyone else do
it? Why is it my responsibility to plan
EVERYTHING? Why am I the only one who seems to care about maintaining
relationships? I know that sometimes, people grow apart, and that relationships
change as people change- but Lord help me- WHY is it so easy to just decide
that you no longer care about the memories you made with someone, you no longer
want to try to keep them around, and you go as far as to basically ignore them
as if they don’t exist, and you act as if it’s a major inconvenience that
they’re in your world?! It shouldn’t be
so easy to dismiss a friend you’ve had for 10 years, I’m sorry. To me, that’s
unforgivable, unlike the piddily little things you were quarreling about-that
you could have fixed if you weren’t too busy spending all your time DOING
everything ELSE but acknowledging your BEST FRIEND- not spending ANY time with
them and then later saying that THEY were not a friend to YOU because they
disagreed with a few stupid decisions you made that you don’t think were
stupid.
Unfortunately, when a person is too wrapped up in
themselves, they don’t realize that they have injured others.
Honestly, I feel that a lot of my friends are kind of flaky
and new age with this “Live in the moment” and “do what YOU want to do- do THIS
for YOU and not anyone else” attitude. I
can’t stand it. Seriously, you’re not
the only person in the world. Your
decisions affect others whether you admit it or not. If you’re going to move out, you should like
tell your roommate first since, you know, you’re either sticking them with the
whole rent, or they have to find another roomie. Plus- if they’re your BFF, you should at
least mention it TO them and not wait for them to find out from someone else.
And whether they’re your roomie or not, if you have ANY kind of big news (you
got accepted to college, you met someone, you just got engaged, you’re moving
away, you’re pregnant, you’re sick) your bestie should be one of the first
people to know, and it shouldn’t be just casually dropped into the
conversation. How would you like this? :
“Well then I had a bagel and went to the Statue of Liberty- then saw a Broadway
Musical and went to the Met and oh, I’m engaged and I’m moving to Chicago to go
to grad school.”
The proper way would be, “Hi! I just called because I have
big news! He popped the question!!! I’m
so excited and the ring is so pretty. Will you be my maid of honor since we’ve
been planning our weddings since we were 8?!” You talk about it for a while and
THEN talk about your trip to New York.
Seriously! Is that
hard?
I don’t need to know EVERY detail of your life, I just want
to be included in the things that matter.
Why is it that I GIVE, GIVE, GIVE and yet, I don’t mean enough to you to
merit a private phone call?
Now in all this, it may sound really harsh and it probably
sounds like I’m bashing the couple- maybe I am, and that’s rotten of me, I
know- the truth is that Ms. Nice Girl feels trampled on and spit at. Someone once told me that I was such a nice
person that they were worried that someone would take advantage of me. They also said that I was someone they saw as
honest, innocent and pure- so innocent that I was maybe naïve. I don’t know
about that last one… Right now, I am
going through a really rough time; part of it being caused by extreme stress
due to the deaths, and the strain that put on our lives, stress from the fight
between my friends, stress due to my health due to stress, stress about money
because of health stuff, stress of dealing with sudden changes in medications-
and serious problems like a clot where they put me on blood thinners and I have
to go into the doctor’s office every three days or so to get my blood tested-
and I spend half my time at the doctor because of it-and stress from feeling so
alone, so bored, so numb despite the extreme physical pain… I honestly feel
like I lost 2 grandparents, a piece of
each member of my immediate family, and all my friends. Because, to be honest, none of my friends
have lived up to the definition of what a friend is supposed to mean.
Is it too much to ask
for your friends to act like friends?
Dictionary.com says: friend
noun
1.
a person attached to another by
feelings of affection or personal regard.
3.
a person who is on good
terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there?
Friend or foe?
And here are some passages about what it means to be a
friend: “True friends are always together in
spirit. (Anne Shirley)”
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables
“An acquaintance merely enjoys your company, a fair-weather
companion flatters when all is well, a true friend has your best interests at
heart and the pluck to tell you what you need to hear.”
― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly
― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly
“True friends are not mirrors where
we can always see ourselves reflected in a positive light.”
― Shannon L. Alder
― Shannon L. Alder
Friendship isn't
a big thing - it's a million little things. ~Author Unknown
Only your real
friends will tell you when your face is dirty. ~Sicilian Proverb
The antidote for fifty enemies is one friend. ~Aristotle
The antidote for fifty enemies is one friend. ~Aristotle
The friend is
the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. ~Elbert Hubbard, The
Notebook, 1927
If a friend is
in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do.
Think up something appropriate and do it. ~Edgar Watson Howe
A true friend
never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down. ~Arnold Glasow
If a man does
not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find
himself alone. A man should keep his friendships in constant
repair. ~Samuel Johnson (I especially like this one)
It is the
friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter. ~Marlene Dietrich
True friends
stab you in the front. ~Oscar Wilde
A friend can
tell you things you don't want to tell yourself. ~Frances Ward Weller
The friend who
holds your hand and says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one
who stays away. ~Barbara Kingsolver
It is one of the
blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
What is a
friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. ~Aristotle
Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is
born for adversity.
Proverbs 27:17 Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.
Better is open rebuke Than love
that is hidden.
Or: You can trust a friend who rebukes you, but kisses from
an
enemy are nothing but lies.
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down,
his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help
him up!
